The Jeep is packed. She's a good old girl, stuffed to the gills with camping gear, costumes, an entire sewing facility, and 100+ capes. I am proud to say that it all fit INSIDE the car though! I didn't even have to lash anything to the roof!
It is nice to think that everything I need fits inside one car. In fact, once I deliver Teri's order I'll have tons of room. I MIGHT even be able to see out the back window. Shocking I know. But then there are semantics. Everything I NEED fits inside one car. That is not to say everything I HAVE is inside that car right now.
What's left?
There are the books...tons of books. Spilling out of the four tier book shelf at my dads, stacked in piles on the floor, taking over one corner of the room. My room. He made sure I was clear on that before I left. "Honey" he said "You just need to know, this will always be your space. No matter where you go, if you need to come back, this room is waiting for you. We always want you back." That was nice. I do love that room. It is the only thing that hasn't changed since I was a child. I think I was seven, maybe six, years old when we moved into this house. The walls are a color I picked, all the things on the wall are things I have hung: photos from high school and college, artwork from friends, world maps. I like this room. I like knowing that it is there waiting for me, even if I'm not using it. As long as I have that room, I'll still mean Annapolis when I say "home".
Anyway, What else have I left behind?
Some boxes of clothes, a BIG box of shoes, maybe some blankets and towels. All of these things are shoved in a small closet in the guest room of my mom's new house. I guess thats still not too bad, one car and one closet worth of stuff. I wonder what the expiration date on those boxes is though. How long does that stuff sit before I realize I never really needed any of it and I should have given it away ages ago? Or maybe instead I realize I can't live without those three dozen pairs of shoes and a permanent home filled with my things starts to sound mighty nice. Nicer than the freedom of mobility I have now. Or maybe the boxes will remain irrelevant and the need to nest will only kick in once there's someone worth building a nest around.
Whatever my future self finally realizes, I don't really care! I'm done planning, forecasting, day dreaming. I leave tomorrow morning and start living in the present. Success or failure come what may, I'm going to get down to the business of living and let my emotions call the shots for a spell, mainly happiness. I'm going to be guided by the things that make me happy.
Here's to mobile-home-office-happiness!
Cheers!
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Sometimes inorder to find yourself you have to loose yourself.
Tonight I saw Black Swan. It is a story about a ballerina dancing the Swan Queen role and playing both the Black and White swans. It is her ultimate goal and she really takes the roles seriously. In her life she is more of a White Swan kind of girl and has a lot of trouble bringing forth the Black Swan. Throughout the movie the black and white, light and dark, wreak havoc on her sanity. It is as if one body can't safely hold these two extreme personalities.
While hoping not to...oh wait, spoiler alert!...while hoping not to go nuts-o and stab myself in the gut, I CAN sympathize with this dual personality conundrum. I too have let my White Swan call the shots for most of my life, and while my Black Swan isn't quite as sultry and dark, she is still ready to rumble.
In the end the ballerina is able to loose herself in the role, and lets the swans do their thing. She achieves her perfection, though at a steep price. Only she knows whether it was worth the price. My life goals are a little less clearly defined currently, but I have a feeling that I too will have to reconcile both my halves and get them to work together happily inside my skin in order to ultimately succeed and find peace. Of course, whatever you call it, this is the ancient discussion of yin yang, of two opposing forces combining to make one whole.
So tonight lets raise our glasses to the Taljitu, and to magnets, and to the attraction of opposites.
Ganbei!
While hoping not to...oh wait, spoiler alert!...while hoping not to go nuts-o and stab myself in the gut, I CAN sympathize with this dual personality conundrum. I too have let my White Swan call the shots for most of my life, and while my Black Swan isn't quite as sultry and dark, she is still ready to rumble.
In the end the ballerina is able to loose herself in the role, and lets the swans do their thing. She achieves her perfection, though at a steep price. Only she knows whether it was worth the price. My life goals are a little less clearly defined currently, but I have a feeling that I too will have to reconcile both my halves and get them to work together happily inside my skin in order to ultimately succeed and find peace. Of course, whatever you call it, this is the ancient discussion of yin yang, of two opposing forces combining to make one whole.
So tonight lets raise our glasses to the Taljitu, and to magnets, and to the attraction of opposites.
Ganbei!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Poor Confused Little Timex
I've been traveling a lot lately. You could say I am having a quarter-life (so I hope) crisis. I'm the college graduate who can't quite decide what to do with her life. I'm a Gemini who hates to make decisions. I am a free spirit who feeds her wander lust like a junkie every time she manages to put a way a couple bucks. I have couch-a-phobia: an illogical fear of owning furniture.
Whatever you call it, they all mean the same thing: I've been traveling a lot lately. My poor little Timex, a hand-me-down from my late grandfather, justs couldn't keep up. I tried my best to keep it informed whenever I changed timezones. But sometimes if it was only an hour difference it just wasn't worth the effort of making the adjustment. When I finally landed back at "home", Maryland- the state my parents live in, I made sure the little watch was back in the loop. It wasn't until nearly a week later that I realized the little Timex was 12 hours ahead and thought it was 9:00 am Friday morning instead of 9:00 pm Thursday night. Sitting there, patiently winding the little hands backwards, setting the Timex's world right; I thought wistfully how nice it would be if all I needed to fix my own problems was a little patience and a few extra hours.
But lets be honest. Maybe that IS all I need. A little patience from society and a little spare time to go on some adventures. After all, where do I stand right now? I am twenty-three, and I just finished a masters in international business. I suddenly find myself without guidance or direction. I am a diligent student who is realizing there are no more A's to be earned. I'm not particularly interested in the next step down the path of success: a grueling 9-5 with room for advancement in a grey office with a lunchroom that smells like raw onions.
So maybe the onions were an exaggeration, but the point is, I am much more interested in floating for a while, or maybe barely keeping a float. I'd like to be a writer, bartender, or a seamstress, to meet honest people and learn to have the courage to be an honest and genuine person. I have some things I need to do for myself now, and it is an uncomfortable selfish feeling- something I'll have to get over. It also puts me at risk of looking like that kid, you know- the one who sits on her parent's couch, smokes too much pot, and thinks she's an artist.
The personalities inside me are perpetually at war. It is exhausting. There is the one that has been in charge most of the time up until now. The one who always has an accomplishment to report, who knew what the next step on the treadmill was and was ready to take it. The one who pleased everyone else and did what she "was supposed to." Then there is the other one, the cool one, the one that the tight-laced girl always looked up to but never thought she could be. The one who didn't have cares, who traveled when she wanted to, returned with amazing stories, and always found happiness. This one is pretty laid back most of the time, but right now she has had enough. She knows its now or never, if she doesn't assert some control over the decisions being made now, than she may as well quit. So the personalities fight like sisters and drive me bonkers.
The hippie says chill man, you're young, but old enough to take care of yourself. Go enjoy the world for now and see what new things you can learn. The ace says yes thats all well and good and maybe its fine for now, but at some point you will have to "get a real job and join society" and how long can you push that off before it really has an impact on your future success? You have to start paying your dues so you can be successful when you're older.
Yuck I say. Right now I'm letting the hippie take the lead. I'm going back on the renaissance circuit, which is only a small step above running away to join the circus. I'll try to find myself on the road like Sal Paradise, and if that doesn't work I'll find better roads, more foreign roads, or maybe I'll ditch the highways all together and start talking to the trees.
The first thing I must learn is how to "be here now". To finally stop looking at every action as preparation for some future success, but instead to look at every action as an experience to be enjoyed. It is a hard lesson to learn, and much easier said than done with consistency.
Tonight, lets raise our glasses to the present.
Cheers!
Whatever you call it, they all mean the same thing: I've been traveling a lot lately. My poor little Timex, a hand-me-down from my late grandfather, justs couldn't keep up. I tried my best to keep it informed whenever I changed timezones. But sometimes if it was only an hour difference it just wasn't worth the effort of making the adjustment. When I finally landed back at "home", Maryland- the state my parents live in, I made sure the little watch was back in the loop. It wasn't until nearly a week later that I realized the little Timex was 12 hours ahead and thought it was 9:00 am Friday morning instead of 9:00 pm Thursday night. Sitting there, patiently winding the little hands backwards, setting the Timex's world right; I thought wistfully how nice it would be if all I needed to fix my own problems was a little patience and a few extra hours.
But lets be honest. Maybe that IS all I need. A little patience from society and a little spare time to go on some adventures. After all, where do I stand right now? I am twenty-three, and I just finished a masters in international business. I suddenly find myself without guidance or direction. I am a diligent student who is realizing there are no more A's to be earned. I'm not particularly interested in the next step down the path of success: a grueling 9-5 with room for advancement in a grey office with a lunchroom that smells like raw onions.
So maybe the onions were an exaggeration, but the point is, I am much more interested in floating for a while, or maybe barely keeping a float. I'd like to be a writer, bartender, or a seamstress, to meet honest people and learn to have the courage to be an honest and genuine person. I have some things I need to do for myself now, and it is an uncomfortable selfish feeling- something I'll have to get over. It also puts me at risk of looking like that kid, you know- the one who sits on her parent's couch, smokes too much pot, and thinks she's an artist.
The personalities inside me are perpetually at war. It is exhausting. There is the one that has been in charge most of the time up until now. The one who always has an accomplishment to report, who knew what the next step on the treadmill was and was ready to take it. The one who pleased everyone else and did what she "was supposed to." Then there is the other one, the cool one, the one that the tight-laced girl always looked up to but never thought she could be. The one who didn't have cares, who traveled when she wanted to, returned with amazing stories, and always found happiness. This one is pretty laid back most of the time, but right now she has had enough. She knows its now or never, if she doesn't assert some control over the decisions being made now, than she may as well quit. So the personalities fight like sisters and drive me bonkers.
The hippie says chill man, you're young, but old enough to take care of yourself. Go enjoy the world for now and see what new things you can learn. The ace says yes thats all well and good and maybe its fine for now, but at some point you will have to "get a real job and join society" and how long can you push that off before it really has an impact on your future success? You have to start paying your dues so you can be successful when you're older.
Yuck I say. Right now I'm letting the hippie take the lead. I'm going back on the renaissance circuit, which is only a small step above running away to join the circus. I'll try to find myself on the road like Sal Paradise, and if that doesn't work I'll find better roads, more foreign roads, or maybe I'll ditch the highways all together and start talking to the trees.
The first thing I must learn is how to "be here now". To finally stop looking at every action as preparation for some future success, but instead to look at every action as an experience to be enjoyed. It is a hard lesson to learn, and much easier said than done with consistency.
Tonight, lets raise our glasses to the present.
Cheers!
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